So I haven’t blogged in a couple days mainly because I didn’t have my computer when I was at ISU visiting one of my best friends, but also because I was waiting to see how this weekend went. I knew that it would either make me or break me going there, and surprisingly, for the moment, it seems to have made me. It’s made me feel like I’m living in an alternate reality, a different world, a place where things work out for the better. I know that there are some people out there that aren’t sure how to feel about everything that happened this weekend, but I know that somethings changed. In the past weeks, something has taken a turn, a turn away from how things were before, a turn towards something new. I can only hope that this small glimmer of hope can grow into something bigger, something more significant than just hope.
Going into this weekend, I knew that I was taking a risk, taking a risk in seeing someone who throws my heart, my mind, my life into a whirlwind. I went to ISU to visit an unforgettable friend, but I knew that I would be spending my day with Chris while she was out shaking what she’s got on the football field. No matter how much I tried to tell myself that it’d be different this time, the minute I saw him walk across that bridge, smiling at me, my heart melted. Everything that I was mad at him for previously, all of the drama that had been going on between my family, everything with my actual family, went out of my mind. All I could think about was how happy I was to see him. To be able to wrap my arms around him. To be able to laugh at him when he stuttered over his words. I hate talking about it with people because it’s hard to hide the massive smile that envelopes my face, like it is as I write these words, from friends that aren’t okay with this situation. From the moment I started talking to him I could feel it, the electricity, the spark between us was flaring. Maybe it was the distance between us, the time we’d spent in different worlds, or something completely beyond out control, but something was changing. He spent six hours with me, laughing, joking, sitting at a football game with me, taking a nap with me. Yes, I said taking a nap. What started as a joke turned into me and him in the same bed, legs tangled, breaths mingling, and the promise of something more as his fingers curved around my side. My heart and my head couldn’t make sense of what was going on, it was too much for me to take alone. Luckily, Kirsten was done with dance, and I was needed at her side.
When I saw her my heart exploded, I had forgotten how much I missed her, and the moment I walked into her room, I knew that I was home, even when I wasn’t home. We talked about everything that had been happening with me at Bradley, and with her at ISU; we talked about school, boys, football, everything and nothing. When I told her about Chris, her scream was enough to convey what she thought about the situation, she asked if I was going to see him again, and at the time I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that I was glad I paid the eighteen dollar bus ticket to go there, though I missed my family more than I can say, being there made me happy. With our stomachs full of popcorn, our feet covered in ridiculous socks, and Step Up 2 on the screen, I thought it couldn’t get any better. I was wrong. I texted Chris saying that I wanted to say goodbye to him, we had been planning on hanging out, but if fell through, and he said that he’d be on his way over to me soon. Even though it was 2:15 in the morning, I didn’t care, all I could think about was what was going to happen when we said goodbye. I walked into the lobby of the dorm, and saw him outside, hands in pockets, leaning against the revolving door. We sat down on the bench outside and just talked, I don’t really remember about what, but it was just nice to sit and talk about nothing with him. It was freezing, and when he yawned, he jokingly lifted his arms up like he was going to put them around me. We started talking about how he used to do it when we went out, and it made me smile knowing that he still remembered that. A few seconds later, he did it again. I disregarded it, thinking he was joking once again, until I felt his arm circle me, his fingers resting against my waist. For a moment my heart stopped, I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. With everything that has gone on with us previously, and everything going so well from the second I saw him, I couldn’t put two thoughts together. I tried my hardest to carry on a conversation and avoid noticing the feeling of warmth I felt from his arm around me. We talked for a few more minutes, and during that time I noticed that he’d moved closer to me, and a few seconds later I turned my face towards his and realized we were a lot closer than I thought. I looked into his eyes, and knew I was in trouble, I’d seen that face before, and I knew I had to do something. I only got his name out before he closed the distance between us, and then his lips were on mine and my mind went blank. You know when a heart monitor is going and its got little spikes and hills when the heart is pumping? Well if I compared my mind to a heart monitor at that moment, it would be flatlining. I couldn’t think of anything else but him. I tried to shake my head at him, muttering the words ‘oh gosh’, but when he looked at me with those eyes, those eyes that kept darting from my eyes back down to my lips, and said “I can’t help it”, I was gone. I was sucked back under, only to resurface when it felt like it was getting too late. That only lasted a few minutes until we hugged to say goodbye, and he didn’t let go. I never thought that I’d be back to that place where I’d say goodbye to a person 4 times before actually walking away, back to that place where I couldn’t think about anything but them.
I was supposed to leave at 1 o’clock in the afternoon... I left at 6. After everything that had happened, we needed to talk. I knew that if I left it, it wouldn’t be good, and I’d regret not saying anything. I was so surprised to find that, seemingly, everything I was thinking, he was thinking too. We talked about the flirting and how it just felt right being together the way we were. We talked about how it was something deeper, something more, than just flirting, how it had to be. I couldn’t believe that he thought it was something more, all this time I thought that it was nothing to him, and here it was that he thought the same thing that I did. I like to fish for questions that I already know the answers to, just to make sure that what I’m thinking is true, and I did just that. I asked him if he was just kissing me because it felt like it was the right thing to do, and he looked at me, his eyes looking straight into mine and said ‘no’. I felt my heart skip a beat, as childish as it sounds, because for a moment I thought he was going to say yes. And he didn’t. We talked about how we didn’t want to start anything now, because what would be the point, we’re at two different schools. But it made me think, if you don’t want to start something now, who’s to say that you don’t want it to begin later. It gave me a shred of hope that what I’ve wanted for so long could be around the corner, but I’m trying not to hope too hard. I’m afraid if I do, everything will slip away. After a long, tension filled hug, it took everything I had to walk away from him. No matter how much I wanted to go back to where I was supposed to be, I couldn’t help but think that maybe I was supposed to be somewhere else.
I know that anyone reading this has probably heard the story, but I needed to see it in front of me to finally realized that it happened. I needed to get it out of me, and put it someplace where I could come back to it, and remember that this time it was different. That this time, he actually said what he thought, and agreed with what I was thinking. That this time, I had hope. I just hope that I can hold onto that, because without it I’m not sure I’ll have anything.
All I know is that this weekend made me happy, happier than I think I’ve been in awhile (no offense to the girls I love that are reading this). And even though that sounds completely ridiculous. It’s true. I just want to hold onto that. I want to hold onto him.
