Back into the Blue

I thought that I was over this, that I was over this state of feeling completely worthless. I thought that I had found a way out of the blue, and up into the white. I guess I was asking too much. I want to know what people want. I want to know what guys are looking for, because it seems like whatever they're looking for is something that I'm not capable of possessing ever. It's like to my friends I'm wonderful, and funny, and caring, and perfect just the way I am, but to everyone else I'm nothing, just somebody that blends into the background. It's like I'm enough to stop conversation, but not enough to say hello to. When the hell will I ever be enough for anyone. When will I be able to say that somebody thinks I'm worth the time of day? When will I be able to say that somebody likes me for me?

Sam was mad at me today, and for a moment I couldn't understand why. I thought that we were back to the way things were before Monday night, and for a moment my heart stopped. Then her eyes dipped towards the crease of my elbow, and I couldn't help but feel ashamed, ashamed that I had fallen back down. That I had given myself over to the feeling of worthlessness that makes me revert back to my old ways.

I saw Brendan tonight, and even though it was for a second in passing, when his eyes drifted over me, I couldn't catch my breath. There wasn't a smile, or a hello, just a pair of eyes staring at me. Am I that pathetic that that is all it takes for me to get sucked back in? We left soon after I saw him, but as we opened the door I looked back and saw him with his friend, looking towards the door, looking towards me. What is it that drives people away from me? Is it my personality? Is it my looks? Is it just me in general? I want to know so whatever it is I can fix it, so I can fix me. After seeing him, we went to a different house, a different party, and were excited about the possibilities of new guys, new people. The minute we got there I was nervous, nervous about seeing Jacob, who just the night before had seemed perfectly nice, and maybe interested, but then left me wondering what I had done wrong. Seeing him made me hope for a second that he thought more of me, but once again I put to much of myself into hoping.

I met another boy, who I danced with, and yes, kissed. But the whole time I was thinking to myself why is it so easy for people to like me for a minute, and then leave me like nothing happened? Why couldn't I be more interested in the guy I was with? Instead of thinking about Brendan and Jacob. Why is it always the people that I want, that don't seem to want me? Why can't I be interested in someone other than guys who are interested until something better comes along? Why am I always the second choice?

All I want is to be someones first choice, that's all. And now I'm afraid that another mark, another imperfection, is going to be the difference between me finding love, and getting dropped on my ass again.

All I want is to stay in the white, but even though I'm surrounded by my closest friends, all (not surprisingly) sleeping in the same room.. I can't help but be drowning beneath the blue.