Change?

It's funny how you think that high school and college are going to be these completely different places. That the minute you enter college, your life is going to change, to get better. I really thought that going to a place where no one knew me would be liberating, I thought that getting away from the drama of high school would put it behind me forever; I guess I was wrong.

Sometimes I wonder if it's me that pushes people away, or the things I say, or the things I do. No matter what it actually is, it seems that I can't get away from it no matter how far away I go. I've never been one that boys flocked to, or even were remotely interested in. I watched all of my friends go through first loves, and bad break ups. I was the one that everyone went to for their boy problems, though I really had no idea what I was talking about, or what they were talking about for that matter, but for some reason they always came to me. I thought it was funny how I could be so helpful to everyone else when it came to the opposite sex, but I could never help myself. It became infuriating, but no matter how hard I tried (and still try) no one was ever truly interested in me, if anything the only reason they became friends with me was to get to my friends. I've been humiliated when it comes to love, I don't want to specifically explain it because I fear that if I did, it would just push me farther back from where I am now. My heart became this fragile thing that I couldn't believe was even still beating, and I built up walls to protect myself from anything and everything that came my way.

When high school came around I was so afraid to even put myself out there that I became that girl that sat by herself in the lunchroom and read, it wasn't the best thing, but it protected me from being hurt again. A few weeks into the year, I had my first freshman crush, and I thought he was the cutest kid I'd ever seen... he became my first boyfriend, and my best friend. We ended it sophomore year, but still couldn't get out of the habit of talking everyday and hanging out like old times. My heart stretched with love for him, even when we weren't 'together' anymore, and it hurt. It hurt to see the one person I wanted the most with other people, with other girls, but no matter who he dated, our friendship stayed the same. I was his 'backup', the one he could count on to be there to flirt with and mess with when he needed somebody to be with, I was just a helping hand while his relationships failed. I was the one whose heart shattered a little more each day we spent talking. He's the one I never got over.

A little while later, I thought that I had found 'the guy', that one boy who drove every bad thought out of my head, the one that I could talk to, and all of my previous problems would melt away. We talked almost every day, getting closer in the times that we did, in the looks shared in the hallway, in the silent moments when we just shared each others company. I finally thought that I was going to move past everything that had happened before and begin a new chapter, but once again, I was wrong. Our talking was short lived, senior year rolled around and everything changed. We no longer talked, or even acknowledged each other, and I was reminded of why I built up so many walls in the first place. Nothing hurt more than knowing that I had done something wrong to push away somebody else.

When August finally arrived, I was ready for college, I was ready for a change, and I was ready to get away. I wanted to meet guys who were more mature, who knew how to treat me the right way, and convince me that they weren't all the same. All I found was that no matter how hard you try to impress those around you, and to figure out ways to change yourself and your appearance to intrigue those same people, it doesn't work. College is exactly like high school, appearances mean everything and no matter how nice you are or how great your new friends think you are, it doesn't change the fact that you're you.

I wish that I could find a way to change myself, to become somebody that guys wanted to get to know, wanted to be with. I wish that for once, I could find someone that doesn't just fuck with my head and my heart, and find someone that wants to be with me because of who I am. I want somebody to love the fact that I'm a complete book worm, and that I'm dorky, and uncoordinated, but all I see is people going for the pretty, blonde girls, and I think to myself... is that what I have to become to find a happy ending? Do I have to give myself over to a world of tanning, and hair dying, and dumbing myself down for someone to be interested in me?

I'm falling, falling slowly back under into the place I haven't been since May, and I'm scared that instead of changing me, college is just a place that will bring my hopes up, only to bring them crashing back down again. I'm afraid that instead of taking it out on the people that deserve it, I'm going to start taking it out on myself. Again.