Where Am I?

It seemed like one of those days that was going to go just like normal. and yet I can’t help feeling like it’s completely different. I wanted everything to feel the same way it did a couple days ago, before this weekend, but it doesn’t. I wanted to go workout, something I do everyday, every chance I get, and then I found myself hesitating to go. I didn’t want to see anyone, any boy that would make me feel as insignificant as the ones I’d already met. I found myself feeling ashamed to show my face in front of people who ended up not caring about anything other then a one night fling with a stupid freshman. After everything that has happened this weekend, as inconsequential as those few moments were, my heart has begun to build up a wall, a wall that I’m not sure will ever be broken down again. When I started college I was so sure that I knew myself well enough that I would be able to take down those walls, and be okay when something bad happened. What I’m finding out is that I don’t know myself as well as I thought I did. The moment those walls came down, I let myself be open to the possibilities of letting other people in, letting other people get close to me. The one thing I didn’t count on was for everything to be like high school. I thought I was done with the days of boys being shy and not talking, I thought I was done with being on good terms one day, and then be completely ignored and tossed aside the next. I guess I was wrong.

I'm as pathetic as I was in high school, and something tells me just because I'm in college doesn't mean I'm not still that pathetic little girl... because I am.