Hope?

Hope is an interesting thing, you want to have it, but at the same time, what is it doing for you? No matter how much you hope for something to happen, sometimes things just aren't meant to be. You can hope, and wish, and beg, and plead to get what you really want but in the end it's worth shit. People are the way they are regardless of how you want them to be, or how you think that they should be. When you put yourself out there to other people, their reactions and their actions towards you have nothing to do with what you think, it's all about them.

I hoped that in college I could get over they boy that broke my heart, and then used it to make himself feel better, only to throw me back out into the cold. I hoped that maybe I would be able to find someone who would take me for who I am, and appreciate the person that I've become. Even with my horrendous track record with boys, and not being able to find the right one, or any one, who was interested in me... I had hope that something would change.

The past couple of weeks the girls that I've come to call my friends, and now my sisters, have been teasing me about getting together with a boy, and now there's another boy to add to that list. I had hoped that he would be one to get to know, to get to hangout with, to get to maybe see as something more than a one night 'stand', though I don't think that it qualifies as one. I hoped that I wouldn't be seen as just some dumb freshman girl, and I'm afraid that's what I am to these guys. They're not that much older than I am, but I'm afraid that all I am is someone to do, someone to have fun with, and then drop on her ass. It doesn't make me feel hopeful when someone can seem so nice, and so understanding, and so patient, and then turn around and act completely different than the person you meet. It makes me nervous to go out and try and be myself when I know that I'm just a 'cool' girl; cool doesn't mean anything, it's a temperature, not a trait. I mean what more can I do to get people to be interested in me, not just the part of me that can hold my liquor. In a world where everyone is more concerned with sex and alcohol than what's really important, where do I fit in? I mean, don't get me wrong I'm no stranger to alcohol, and I'm sure I wouldn't mind the sex thing, but I want to be acknowledged for more than that. I hope that I can mean more to someone than that, but considering the way I am, I'm not sure that I can.

I hope that I can find someone, or something, that gives me hope. Hope that I can do more, that I can be more than the person that I am now. Hope that I can mean more to someone than just sex. I hope that I can find someone that makes me happy to be myself.