( +Hot Tub Time Machine )
I know that just a few hours ago, I was talking about how I hope that my life gets better, and that I meet the right guy, and that SOMEHOW I'd like to feel better about myself, but now I find myself somewhat embracing the life that I have. I think the thing that keeps me going isn't hope... it's embracing the chaotic and ridiculous life that I have. Nothing ever goes right, and I somehow manage to screw everything up, no matter how simple it might seem, but maybe that's what I like about my life. I like knowing that my life is predictable, because then I can be truly surprised when something extraordinary happens... like my "love" life suddenly arriving at outrageous destinations the minute I enter college. Even though I'm still afraid of falling back into my old self destructive habits, I'm trying to find out how I can bring myself up out of those moments of self doubt. Though I haven't quite gotten there, I hope that I can. I used to be this happy person, carefree, loving, excited about life. She used to be such a huge part of my life, she was my life, and one day she vanished. She was taken from me by the people I thought I was close to, the people I thought I could be close to. I want to know what happened to that girl, I want to find her and bring her back out because I feel like if I did then the qualities of that girl would shine past the superficial ones of those around me, and then maybe, just maybe, I'd find myself in a better place then I'm in right now. I know that the people that I trust my life with have seen that girl, but the minute I go out into someplace new, or someplace that's uncomfortable for me, she disappears. I want to believe that I can show her to the new people that I've me, but I'm not sure that I can. Those walls that I've taken so long to build up want to stay where they are, and, truthfully, I wouldn't mind them staying there. Trust isn't something that comes easy for me, I over-think, I over-analyze, and I obsess about whether or not I say the right things. Trusting someone would first imply me trusting myself around that person, and I'm not sure if that's happened in a while. I'm afraid that though I somewhat embrace the life that I have now, it's not enough to get me over my fear of what other people think of me. I'm sure that this entire post doesn't make sense because 1. it's 1:34 in the morning and I'm tired as shit, 2. I bounce from subject to subject and though I think that it transitions okay, deep down I know it doesn't, and 3. I'm horrible at writing anything that has to do with my feelings... so thank you people (sam) that are reading this, because I give you credit.
I titled this post change of heart, and maybe that was true for 5 minutes or so, but unfortunately the longer I write, the more I revert back to my original way of thinking, so hopefully I can work on that some more.
Hopefully by my next post I'll have figured out a way to better understand a way to find myself, and be somewhat over a (potential) hangover from the second blackout monday... hopefully it'll go better than the first one.
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